As much as I am supporter of scripted series, this train wreck of a celeb-reality show is more bizarre than anything Charlie Kaufman could think up. I hate to ruin the surprise, but here is a brief rundown of who is in the house. If you get a chance, check it out. There’s nothing like it on TV.Gary Busey – Minutes into the show, Busey mentions he has done cocaine off the back of his dog. So if you’re a dog, I guess the only thing worse than being owned by Gary Busey, is being owned by Michael Vick. Actually I’m not sure about that, because with Vick you have a fighting chance.With Busey, you’re what he uses when his coffee table is too cluttered with drafts of his acronym book. By the way, the person who green-lit that book has the greatest sense of humor. However, that’s only the tip of the insanity iceberg. Busey also takes advantage of the maid service at the rehab center by bringing his dirty laundry from home. The best part about Busey is that he thinks he is one of the doctors. He’s going around telling the other patients he is there strictly to help, and not go through the treatment. At that point, Amber Smith tries to figure out if he is really saying these things or if she’s having withdrawal. Like in baseball, VH1 went with their “ace” first. Nobody can touch Busey’s insanity, and introducing him early gives us a full 90 minutes of pure awkward pleasure. This was great casting.
Amber Smith – The former model and actress brings her box of pills and rack of silicone to the treatment center, as Dr. Drew can barely contain himself when doing the pre-interview. I counted at least three times Dr. Drew blatantly stares at her boobs. Amber is opening up and crying about her mother forcing her to do drugs with her, and pervert Dr. Drew can barley give her a sensible response because he’s too busy watching her breast heave as she cries. The producers say everyone gets a physical, but Amber and Nikki McKibbin are the only ones I saw that actually had to lay on the table. Good thing Amber wore a sundress. Dr. Drew, who I’m not even sure is a real doctor, wore his stethoscope the entire time, and did an abdomen examination the same way a five year old would do when they play hospital. What makes Dr. Drew qualified to do this? Teaching millions of teenage adolescents how to treat herpes on LoveLine doesn’t exactly give him a PHD.
Rodney King – Of all the awkward moments in the show, one of the most awkward would be when Drew kept asking King “Is there anything that happened in the past that might have lead you to drink?” King, who showed restraint by not standing up and screaming “Yeah I was beaten by three Los Angeles cops, then every news station in the world replayed the tape for a years, mother fucker!” and put all the blame on himself. Rodney did some hardcore drinking too. How drunk do you have to be to not be able to show up for work as a tow truck driver’s assistant? I mean, shit, your not even driving the thing. All you have to do is hook the car to the truck and away you go. The editors also left in the little gem of Rodney puking out the window of the tow truck. And honestly, Rodney King is not a celebrity. I’ll give you everyone else, but Rodney King. What, were Anita Hill and the Runaway Bride busy?
Tawny Kitaen – Looking like she drove the very convertible she posed on in the White Snake video straight through a wall, Tawny Kitaen might be the most genuine person in the entire show. Sure she was arrested for beating her baseball player husband Chuck Finley with a stiletto heel, but it was the drugs that made her do it. She even tells Dr. Drew she was surprised cocaine had such a bad effect on her. Despite her naivety, Tawny seems like she is the only person there truly committed to getting better. You couldn’t help but feel bad for her when she gets dissed by Rodney King. If anything, Tawny Kitaen is a survivor. She made it through being a white woman dating O.J., so she was probably closer to death then than she was on speed.
Sean Stweart – Rod’s son Sean takes the opportunity of being isolated in a house with strangers to prey on the women, mainly Amber Smith. Although I’m sure if Nikki McKibbin loses all that weight again she’ll be in the running too. At what point do you actually have to do something to be famous. Are Sean’s kids famous by birth too, or is it a one generation thing, then your on your own talent from there? Sean calls himself a singer, song writer, model which is odd since he approaches all three the same way. – stand around and let other people take pictures of you. It might be a technicality, but I thought you had to write songs to consider yourself a songwriter. Anyway, this guy is already getting on my nerves so I hope Busey gives him the Under Siege treatment and karate chops him in the throat.
Steven Adler – I get the feeling Slash has an entire answering machine full of Steven Adler begging him to let him drum for Guns N’ Roses again. Steven is so f’ed up they start the show two weeks early because they are afraid he will OD by the time cameras start rolling. Dr. Drew makes a house call, and Adler is on the brink of destruction because … wait for it … Slash put out a new album and he wasn’t asked to do drums. If I was doing a spoof of this segment, I would immediately show shots of a long haired top hat wearing Slash as a young boy, posing with a young Adler to show how long they have been friends and then miraculously shots of a long haired top hat wearing Slash as a young boy, posing with a young Adler. You cannot make this stuff up. Adler is brought to the rehab center by ambulance and really scares the shit out of all the other guests (except Busey who thinks he’s a homeless man). I’m not saying it’s hard to understand Adler, but his pronunciation makes The Elephant Man sound like Patrick Stewart.
Nikki McKibbin – Nikki actually has a really sad story involving her mom dying after they did drugs together, so I won’t elaborate much more than it’s a shame the price you pay when you become too famous too fast. The current American Idol is not anywhere near as popular as the first season, so imagine the whirlwind of drugs and booze she must have been caught up in as twenty two year old kid set loose in Hollywood.
Jeff Conway – Like the Emperor Nero making his grand entrance in Rome, Jeff Conway, the Savior of VH1, emerges from his limo. Looking like Tiny Tim grew up and became a crack addict, Conway quickly makes himself at home. Since he already went through rehab once, Jeff is familiar with his surroundings, and at one point I think the nurses bring out his personal coffee mug. Dr. Drew considers Jeff Conway his Mount Everest, which is eerie because if you get to close to Jeff you might actually lose some fingers and toes. With this rowdy bunch, it’s hard for VH1 not to have a hit on their hands. It’s also hard for me to stomach that people who once had talent are more making a comeback off their addictions. There addiction can be profitable for years to come. It’s like in the 70s when every show on CBS was a spinoff of All in the Family. What’s next? Rodney King as a contestant on I Love New York?
No comments:
Post a Comment